What Are Some Effective Ways to Communicate Love to Your Wife?

December 27, 2010 by Brian Croft

 

Tuesday I will celebrate 14 years of marriage to my precious wife.  I cannot begin to tell you how undeserving I am of her.  I can only tell you that she is my daily reminder of how merciful God can be to a great sinner like me.  As my anniversary approaches tomorrow, I am challenged to make sure I am deliberate about communicating to her how much she means to me and how my love for her has truly grown every year.  Through many mistakes and failures, I have learned over the years that it is not so much what I plan on our anniversary that communicates my love for her, as much as the creative, thoughtful, and deliberate efforts I made since my last anniversary.

Here are some ways I have tried to achieve this.  Though I don’t know your wife…I’m willing to bet there is something on this list that your wife would appreciate from you if you made a similar effort.  Notice the one common denominator…surprise for her and sacrifice from you:

Surprise day away.  Take a day off work, but don’t tell her.  Then, the night before or early that morning, spring it on her that you are taking the kids for the day and that she can go and do whatever she wants.  Don’t forget to give her some funds for the day.  This is especially a blessing to those wives who are stay at home moms.

Unexpected date night.  Find babysitters.  Make the restaurant reservations.  Plan the night around what she would love to do.  Don’t reveal your plans until you absolutely must.  Spend a large portion of the evening encouraging your wife in all she does to serve your family and why you love her.

Bring her flowers on YOUR birthday.  Our birthdays are all about us.  If your wife is like mine, she wants it to be special for you also.  I tried this last year and it was great.  Talk about the time when your wife is least expecting flowers.  Anniversary…sure.  Her birthday…yes.  But  to do it on your birthday when you are to be the focus…it was great.  I am aware that there is a risk that your wife could feel bad as she is trying to honor you.  My wife is hard to surprise and sometimes it requires drastic measures to do so.  As you let her know you “couldn’t help yourself” to do this, I trust it will be received warmly.

Unexpected money or gift.  If you are a pastor, most of our budgets are tight.  If anyone knows that as well as you, it is your wife.  Commonly it is our wives that scrape to make our finances go as far as they do.  That is why an unexpected gift to her, or just an envelope with some cash will be very meaningful.  Attach a note that says, “Thank you for all you do!  Please do whatever you wish with this.  The only requirement is it must be spent on you.”  I assume all wives will be moved by this effort.

I hope this will create a zeal in you to study and know your wife so that you will serve her in a way that communicates clearly the gift from God she is to you.  I am convinced one of the best, most effective ways to communicate that message is when you surprise her with something that demonstrates you sacrificed to make it happen.

Valley of Vision

Lord, 

high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.

Defending Your Marriage Against Mediocrity

When couples compromise on obedience to God, their marriages drift towards mediocrity. Abundant marriage, however, is within reach when attending to five key areas.

 

by Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr.

Chip and Sandy are like many married couples who say, "We're making it" in marriage. Recently I asked Sandy, "Do you ever feel great about your marriage?" She paused, clearly uncomfortable with the question, and replied, "My husband doesn't abuse me, doesn't cheat on me and hasn't left me. I would say that I am blessed."

Indeed, God has blessed Chip and Sandy. But, Sandy's response left me pondering the meaning of "great" marriage. God wants us to have not only life but to experience it abundantly (3 John 2). Yet, Sandy seems more aware of what is thankfully absent than nourished by what is abundantly present.

Maybe I should have asked Sandy a different question: "Does God occupy the center of your marriage?" After all, a God-centered marriage assures God's blessings upon the marriage covenant, fosters authentic partnership and models genuine love for others.

Many couples fall short on this point because God is pushed to the margin of the relationship. These couples have a sense of God, but they may compromise on obedience to His Word. They may pray for God's presence in their decisions, but lack the patience to wait for God's timing. They may seek more godly influences in their lives, yet their jam-packed schedules leave little room for meaningful relationships. The Apostle Paul describes this phenomenon as a form of godliness, but one lacking its power (2 Timothy 3:5). These power-deficient marriages are mediocre. Are you settling for the mediocre in your marriage?

Avoiding the Threat of Mediocre Marriage

 

The secular influences that surround us can exact a toll on marriage. Protecting your marriage against these stressors requires effort in five areas: unconditional commitment to the marriage, trust, respect, healthy boundaries and protected couple time.

• Unconditional Commitment. Secular western culture defines individual happiness and satisfaction as the endpoint of marriage. While these are good things, we may have lost the equally critical concept of commitment. Despite culture's prioritization of pleasure and convenience, God expects us to be committed to Him and to our marriage regardless of how satisfied we feel at the moment. This requires an abundance of forgiveness, grace and humility between husbands and wives, even in the face of difficult circumstances.

• Increased Trust. Many Christian marriages lack godly trust yet fail to realize it. Similar to Sandy's response, many Christian couples think of trust only in the context of marital fidelity. However, when God is marginalized in your marriage, trust deficits are also characterized by blaming, suspiciousness, power plays, jealousy, secrecy and hidden agendas. 
  
  Increasing the level of trust in your marriage requires a commitment to care for the needs of your spouse more than your own needs. This also requires trusting that your spouse knows what they need more than you do, and honoring them. Trust, like marriage in general, only works as both you and your spouse agree to move forward together.

• Increased Respect. Husbands feel respected when their wives express appreciation for what they do. Women, by contrast, feel respect when they are supported for who they are. Marital disrespect, however, almost always derives from one of three types of issues: delusions of grandeur, devalued self-worth or unchecked fears. These selfish tendencies push God into the margin — resulting in an unbalanced marriage where spouses behave defensively. Increasing respect necessitates understanding how your spouse feels respected, assessing your own control issues and praying for healing in this area.

• Healthy Boundaries. Boundaries are an imaginary and internal line where your self ends and another's self begins. There are three types of boundaries: rigid (unhealthy because they are inflexible and disinterested in the perspectives of others); enmeshed (unhealthy because they are so weak that they cannot guarantee safety); and permeable (healthy because they are strong and flexible; able to accept a learning posture while restricting influences which are unsafe for the marriage). God-centered marriages work to maintain marriages with permeable boundaries.

• Increased Couple Time. Time is your most valuable asset. The value that you place in your marriage can be assessed by how much of your time is spent cultivating it. Couples voice a desire for intimate companionship. Yet, most couples spend more time microwaving dinner than investing in their marriage. The commitment, trust and respect so vital to healthy marriage are only fostered with a primary investment of time.

An Abundant Marriage

 

The Holy Spirit emboldens couples to resist the stressors that erode their marriage only if they move God to the center of the marriage. Abundant marriage is within your reach as you allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and heal your strengths and weaknesses. In healthier marriages, this may just require additional insight. More troubled marriages are likely to require intervention by others who are committed to the health of your marriage.

Copyright © 2008, Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

The Worthless Idols

My first car was a 1978 Honda Civic.  Nothing fantastic about it except that it got great gas mileage.

Well, and it had a sun-roof.
And it had a kickin stereo.
I had sheep skin covers on the seats.
And it had a license plate that read "ITS ME"

It was a great car and I really enjoyed it.  Who wouldn't right?  I used my Civic through my senior year of high school as well as my first couple of years of college.  I drove it all the way from Oregon to Michigan.  It got me to school, the movies, work, the beach and everywhere in between.  My car was my freedom.

Slowly and surely though, my car disappeared from my sight.  Not like a dream vanishing from us once we wake up, but in a real tangible way.

• First it was my prism hanging from my review mirror.  I was at the mall once and someone apparently needed more than I.
• Next while I was driving from Montana to Michigan, I pulled into a truck stop to gas up.  When I went to start it... I soon discovered that the starter was out...
• Then it was my most awesome stereo.  It was while I was I was attending Bible college.  I had locked my doors, but not the hatch.  In the middle of the night, someone opened the hatch, then unlocked the door left my car, but took my stereo.  My car remained silent.
• Soon it became the car itself.  One day while I was traveling from Grand Rapids to the shore of Lake Michigan, the engine died.  Not just a "out of gas" died, or a "I think it may need new spark plugs" died, but a true death died.

My most awesome Honda Civic was gone.

It dawned on me that perhaps this car, was more than just transportation for me.  Perhaps it was becoming something more.  Sounds a little weird typing this now, but could this car be a status symbol?  Could it have been more to me than God?  Was this why, He felt it necessary to take it from me?  Little by little... He was bringing the axe to this idol.

I am reminded of Jonah's prayer while he was in the belly of that great fish;

Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love.

How true is that?
So my prayer for today is that God would continue to show me my idols.  Whether they are physical or spiritual.  I pray that He would bring the axe to them.

Uproot them all.

The Urgency of Missions

When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.” (Matthew 9:36-38)

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20)

Marks of a Spiritual Father

A few years ago, I was teaching a Sunday School class through the book of 1 Corinthians.  In it we learn of both Paul's love for this motley crew and his passion for their pursuit of Christ.

In chapter four he encourages them to think about the various marks of a spiritual father.  At this point in time I think it would be good for us to consider these.  Keep in mind that the list that Paul uses is defiantly not exhaustive, nor is it just for "spiritual" fathers.  Us "regular" dads would be good to take to Paul's words of encouragement here.

Admonishes
Paul writes in verse 14, "I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as a my beloved children."  He is urging them to move beyond the sin that they have become so comfortable with.  How often do you seek a father who would be willing to speak truth into your life?  Telling you to leave the sin behind?  How often as a father do you do the same to the ones that you love?

Loves
As stated above, Paul calls this group of people his "beloved children."  There is a genuine care here.  There are times in my past where I would find it much easier to shun someone that has disappointed me.  Paul's approach to discipline is to love them greatly.  I am reminded that because we have been loved greatly, so we are called to love greatly.

Teaches
Paul continues in verse 15, "though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers."  Paul knows that there are a lot of people that are more than willing to give advise.  Good advise doesn't do much for us, does it.  We need a good teacher.  A father can certainly be that for us.

Lives by Example
"I urge you, then, be imitators of me."  What a verse.  How bold of Paul to state something like this verse.  At first glance it may look intimidating for us.  We think that we would never be able to say something like that to someone else.  Listen here to what Paul is saying; he is not saying that he is perfect and that we need to be perfect like him.  That is the furthest thing from the truth.  What Paul is saying is that he is a sinner, but regardless of his sin, he continues to find his life hidden with Christ.  That statement is true for you and I, dear friend.  When we know that, we can boldly say, "be imitators of me."  Because we know that our lives are hidden in Christ - and that is where we have all the confidence we need.

Disciplines
In verse 21, Paul writes, "What do you wish?  Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in spirit of gentleness?"  Proverbs 13:24 says, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."  Paul was not afraid of using a "rod" to bring discipline to his children in the church of Corinth.  They needed it.  To some extent, if Paul did not use it, he would showing them that he hates them.  Often times in our lives, as fathers, it may be easier to not bring the "rod" to our children, but in doing so we are communicating hate.  God disciplines those He loves and as fathers (spiritual or regular) we need to bring discipline.  In some cases, it's a matter of love or hate.

I Am His Son

Here is an older picture of my dad and myself.  This was taken in our backyard, at our house in Salem OR.  Although I don't remember having this photo taken, it looks like I was about 8-10 month's old.

Our backyard was the life of the neighborhood.  As I grew older, all the kids usually ended being in our yard for various games and exercises (not like jumping jacks just fun stuff).

Seeing my dad in this picture brings back a lot of memories of him.  When I was 9 years old, our Heavenly Father thought it best to take my dad to be with Him.  This, because God works all things together for good, was a good thing.  Being 42 years old, I can honestly say that those 9 years of my life being with my dad were absolutely amazing.  Every second counted for something and I enjoyed every part of it.

He was my dad.
I was his son.

A week or so ago I was reading through Matthew 3.  In it is the recording of Jesus' baptism.

"Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to John, to be baptized by him.  John would have prevented Him, saying, 'I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?' But Jesus answered him, 'Let it be so now, for thus it is fitting for us to fulfill all righteousness.' Then he consented.  And when Jesus was baptized, immediately He went up from the water, and behold, the heavens were opened to Him, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and coming to rest on Him; and behold, a voice from heave said, 'This is My Son, with whom I am well pleased.'"

Upon reading this, I remember Paul's words in Colossians 2:12

"having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you were also raised with Him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised Him from the dead." 

 So putting these thoughts verses together, what I believe Scripture is telling us is that when our Father looks at us, He sees His Son, Jesus.  When He sees His Son, His first response is to declare "This is My son..." In other words, when God our Father looks upon us, He declares us to be His sons, with whom He is well pleased with.

What grace!
What unfathomable grace!

Remember to Play With Your Kids

After five years and 300 interviews, Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, has found that children of parents who are continually online via smartphones, computers or multimedia devices often express feelings of "hurt, jealousy and competition." Turkle says, "Over and over, kids raised the same three examples of feeling hurt and not wanting to show it when their mom or dad would be on their devices instead of paying attention to them: at meals, during pickup after either school or an extracurricular activity, and during sports events." 
 
[nytimes.com, 6/9/10]

 

It's Father's Day

Why Don't We Just Dance - Josh Turner

Mary and I love this song and this video.
We love to dance in our kitchen with our kids around us.

Josh does a great job with this song. Enjoy the video, kick off your shoes and start dancing with your wife.

The Routine of a Father

I guess some of us like schedules and some of us don't.  It really depends on our personality, right?

Some of us, if given the choice could sleep in to 10AM or later every day.  
Some of us couldn't think of sleeping past 6 o'clock.
Some of us have no problem letting our lawns grow a foot before we cut them.
Some of us couldn't imagine having anything but a "golf course" for our back yard.


Choices.
Regular choices.
It's those choices that weave us through each day from start to finish.  When I was a child, I chose things that were young.  Now that I am older, I am hopefully making wiser choices.


Being married and having kids, I have had to learn to make wise choices.  Not just for myself, but for my family as well.  I have not just had to make those choices, but I had to choose to put myself into a routine of making right choices.


For my family, those choices look something like this:

1. Wake up early.
2. Talk with Mary.  Now this is a conditional one.  Sometimes Mary wants to talk and sometimes she doesn't.  I want her to have her time to wake up.  She doesn't need me telling her what to do at 5:45 in the AM.
3. Exercise.  This too is conditional.  There was a period in my life that I couldn't exercise.  Not because I was lazy, but because there were other priorities that needed to take place.  I must confess though, that for a long time, I did exercise and leave Mary to do so much work alone.  I was completely selfish during that time.  So look at your time to work out only if you have the time for it.
4. Personal quiet time.  Not in some book, but in THE BOOK.  The enemy hates us.  Hates me.  Hates you.  Hates all of our relationships.  Hates our marriages.  Hates our children.  He has three goals in mind - to kill, steal and destroy.  The only way to withstand the fiery arrows of the devil is to be in the Bible.  David said, "Your Word have I hid in my heart that I may not sin against You."  I take that as saying that to keep from sinning, I must be in the Word.  
5. Get myself ready for the day.
6. Breakfast with the family.
7. Devotions with the family.  Take the time for this.  We have the ability to set the tone for the whole day with this action.  It doesn't take much time, but you just have to do it.  Your wife will be reminded of what is important.  Your kids will be reminded of what's important to you as well.
8. Work.  While at work take time to pray.  Short prayers are still prayers.
9. Home from work, lovingly set the leadership role in your home.  Take the time to listen.  See what needs to be done and who needs to be served.  Don't just become a kid again and start rolling on the floor waiting for dinner to be served.  Take the time to listen to your wife.  She, more than likely, needs to talk to another adult.  So just shut up and listen to her.  She will love you for it.  Keep in mind that you are not your wife's "helper" you are the leader of your home.
10. Dinner.  Converse with your family.  Ask them questions about their day.  Enjoy each other.  Eat. Laugh. Love.
11. Devotions the family.  This is how we do it in our family.  For breakfast and dinner.  Again, it helps to remind the whole family what is truly important. 
12. Clean up.  Men - that's our job.  Let your wife have a break.  She has been "cleaning up" all day.  She will be grateful.
13. Play and interact with the kids.  They will think you are amazing!
14. Put the kids to bed.  Men - again our job.  Spend some more time thinking about the Lord or singing worship songs with your kids.  They will now what is in your heart.
15. Love your wife well.  Serve her by making sure that all the responsible things are taking care of.  Laundry, bills, groceries, house maintenance (honey-do-list)...

Now this is how it's done in our home, and your home may look completely different.   That is OK.  As the head of the household, I had to realize that I needed to get into a routine as a husband, as a father, as a leader.  If I didn't, what would be the alternative?

Have you figured out your routine?  If so, what is it?  I would love to see how you manage your family and your day.

Thoughts on Fathers Day

So this Sunday is Father's Day.  Just so everyone knows, I am all for celebrating fathers on Father's Day, but I have an idea.

Men, what if on this Father's Day we turned it around.  Instead of making it all about us, we made it all about them?

This Sunday, do something radical - surprise your family!

Fear or Joy

When I was young, our family would often take trips from Oregon to Michigan to be with our extended family.  This, of course, was a blast.  We were able to participate in so many things that we normally didn't or wouldn't back in Oregon.

One of those "things" I remember vividly.  It was a trip to a lake with my aunt and uncle and their kids.  The adults decided to make a day out of it, so we brought along a lunch and a bunch of snacks.  Swimsuits, water toys and my uncle's boat.  This was going to be a great day!

After a while of being there, we all decided that it would be fun to go around the lake taking turns on the toboggan.  So we all got in the boat and one by one, everyone started taking their turns. 

Then... it was my turn...

As a nine or ten year old who hadn't experienced much of inland lakes, I was a bit timid terrified.  I couldn't see through the water.  I couldn't see the bottom.  Would the fish in the lake touch me...  I was getting freaked.  I was not going to be riding the toboggan. 

I WAS SCARED TO DEATH.

My uncle, on the other hand known better.  He picked me up and threw me in the water.  I went kicking and screaming.  He then jumped in after me, grabbed me and forced me to get on the toboggan with him.  I was yelling over and over again that I didn't want to go.

He kept telling me that I was going to be fine.  That there was nothing to be afraid of.

The boat started out.
The rope got tight.
We raised up out of the water.
We took off.

Once we were around the small lake once, I asked him if we could go around the lake a second time.

My fear turned to joy.

Sometimes, that's a little what it's like in following Christ. 
Often times, we have no idea where He is taking us. 
What He are doing. 
How far we will go. 
Why we are here...
and we look down at our feet and start to fear.

There is where I am.  Between the fear and the joy.  Perhaps this is where I will be until glory.  To be honest, I have to say that in every time that I have gone into the unknown with Christ, I have never been disappointed.

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”
He said, “Come.”
So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.”
Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
(Matthew 14:28-33 ESV)

  I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
(3 John 1:4 ESV)

Change = Pain / Pain = Change

None of us really changes until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain that will come with some change in our lives. We don’t change when we see the light, we change when we feel the heat. (Mike Pollard)

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. (The Apostle Paul in his book Romans)

Treasure Christ

Because of Me

“Every time we look at the cross Christ seems to say to us, ‘I am here because of you.  It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am suffering, your debt I am paying, your death I am dying.’  Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross.  All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness, until we have visited a place called Calvary.  It is there, at the foot of the cross, that we shrink to our true size.”
John R. W. Stott, The Message of Galatians (London, 1968), page 179.
Because of me is a post from: Ray Ortlund

He Was Here First

If you are anything like me you pray to God like this,

“God I need you to move in this situation.”

“I need you to show up in my life here.”

“I need to come and change this for me.”

“I need you to do something here”

The truth is we have it backwards. 

It’s always been His plan. 

This is His universe. 

He has created us into it. 

It’s always been His “party” and He has just invited us to it.

He was the one who was here first.

He is the one who is orchestrating all things. 

He is working all things to work to the end for His own glory. 

All of this… this… stuff is here so that He will be glorified in it.

When we start to pray, “God, where are you? How come You are not showing up here?”  Are we not restating what already is?  If God is already here and He is already working, what are we really crying out for?

Sometimes when we are praying, we are trying to manipulate God into doing what we want done, rather than praying for God’s will to be done.

Psalm 131 

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.

The Talent of Doublespeaking

I am so talented.

I have the ability to talk out of both sides of my mouth.

Can you do that too?

As I look within my heart to identify this problem, I am noticing a trend.  I don't really do it out in the general, meaning I feel free to be honest and truthful over "public" issues or items.  The problem is much deeper than that.

I am finding that I doublespeak to and about those closest to me...

my kids

my wife

my Savior

In doing so I make a mockery of both them and myself.  

So on this day, I am thankful for the grace of Christ that covers both the praise and the profane.

The Practice of Marriage

The other day a friend of mine asked if I could share a bit of a testimony regarding my wife and I's marriage.  At some point, that task can be daunting, because there is no way to recall everything that has got us to this point.  Needless to say, here are some things that have come to mind.

Through the early years of our marriage, I can recall some pretty tough days/weeks between Mary and I.  For the longest time, I thought that it was my Godly duty to change Mary.  To make her more like the woman that should be mine, that would "complete me."  I had come to a place in my heart that the only way to change Mary, was to change myself first.  Years ago, while still living in Michigan, I would be in our basement lifting weights while Mary was upstairs, making bottles, cleaning the house, changing diapers, doing laundry, making sure the bills were all paid, etc... and I was just thinking of myself.  She would get so mad at me, she would blow up in a huge way (as if it was WW III). Sometimes she would even threaten to leave me.

It wasn't good.  Obviously, it wasn't good.  Something had to change.

I have learned now, that it was my deal. That I am called to be the leader of my home, the 'servant leader' or 'lead server.'  The problem wasn't that I was lifting weights, it was the fact that I wasn't serving nor was I listening.  I was only taking care of me.  At the core of who I was, was a selfish being.  Devoted to my pride, my ideals, my look - I wanted it picture perfect so that I could look good.  In truth, I loved all this other stuff more than I loved her.

There are times even know that I will slip into that line of thinking, and Mary will feel like she has become second best.  Then I "wake up" and remember my roll.  My responsibility.  So I now take time to listen to her heart.  I need to take time to listen to all the tasks that are on her shoulders and what her thoughts are behind her eyes.  I used to try to give her answers and solutions; but now I know she needs a friend; a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.  Mary wants me to take care of her. 

So what does that look like now?  I wake up each day choosing to serve and listen and guide.  I know what makes the house run well so I get to work to make that happen... first, by doing my devotions and listening to Mary if she needs to talk or giving her space if she wants to be alone before the kids wake up.  Sometimes I empty the dishwasher, I'll take the time to straighten up the living room, get myself ready, make our bed, do devos with the kids. If I sense she is frustrated I ask if there's anything in particular I can do and sometimes she'll even get snippy with me, but I just smile and let it go and do what she says if she needs something done.  Sometimes, she just asks me to get out of her face, and that's ok.  I know that she doesn't just "wake up" like I do.  She needs space. 

One thing that God really convicted me of is to not responding in a negative way when she would talk down to me or yell an order at me.  I started either choosing not to start an argument when she was trying to and I would choose to not respond if she made a negative comment.  It changed the tone in our home and slowly she softened.  She says that by my actions she changed and slowly respected me more and more and now appreciates my leadership and will ask my advice and will honor what I say.  We both have grown so much, by God's grace.

In the evenings I come home from work and and I have to lead again.  So I gather everyone to the table for dinner, doing devos again, cleaning up dinner, asking Mary if there's anything she needs me to do.  I am learning to constantly look for things to do and taking time with the kids to ask them about their day and sometimes play games with them.  Then I make sure I honor Mary by getting the kids to bed on time and do it myself so she doesn't have to. Why?  Because Mary is so worth it!

She is the biggest and best prize I could ever win.  I don't make the bed or vacuum the stairs and then tell her that I did those things.  Absolutely not, the biggest joy of my life is to know that Mary doesn't 'have' to do those things.  I am learning to love her and treasure her in a way that I haven't in years.  She is not just my wife, but she is also my best friend.  I would do anything for her.  The more I serve her the more I love her and the more I server her, the more she loves, trusts and honors me back.  It's amazing.  It's like I found the 'secret' in marriage!

All that to say, that I changed.  I was the one who took the initiative to make the first move.  God convicted me to serve my family as Christ served the church and gave Himself up for it.  Then you know what happened?  After I started changing, she did as well.  Little by little, our Father started chipping away at our stubborn hearts and He is molding them into something different.  I know this because of both where we have come from and because of what He is currently doing in us.  This is His promise.  I also try to make efforts to tell Mary she's beautiful and to give her cards and to smile at her as often as I can. 

Eph 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

God is continuing to change me and Mary both.  Our marriage is far from perfect, but He continues to mold us and shape us into something that reflects His grace - because we need a lot of it!

5 Reasons You May Not Be Seeing Spiritual Growth

Jonathan Dodson

Acts 29 Pastor - Austin, Texas

1. Feelings can be misleading.

Just because we don’t feel holy doesn’t mean the Spirit isn’t making us holy. Feelings aren’t an adequate barometer of spiritual growth, but the gospel always leads us into growth. Bank your growth on faith in gospel truth, not in subjective feelings.

2. We have trouble seeing incremental growth.

If you checked the growth of an orange on a tree each day until it was ripe, you would not perceive its change; however, if you checked it only at its inception and conclusion, the growth would be obvious. You can grow without seeing it. More often than not, the Spirit grows us in increments, not leaps and bounds.

3. Spiritual growth is relative but real.

Depending on the person and season, spiritual growth may be fast or slow. Some of us have sinned so much that we have deeply ingrained patterns of believing lies instead of the truth, and so it takes longer to make progress in the faith. On top of this, we may have emotional, physical, or psychological conditions that make it more difficult to grow. However, these conditions are appointed for our growth. Many Christians have shown us how to grow in the midst of these difficulties (Joni Eareckson Tada, William Cowper). Spiritual growth is relative but real. True faith brings about true change. For some people, running a 5-minute mile is growth; for others, facing the finish line is progress. Remember that it is not growth overnight but gradations over a lifetime.

4. Our church family doesn’t encourage one another enough.

As the church, it is important that we point out and celebrate growth in one another’s lives. We are so individualistic, proud, and insecure that we rarely celebrate growth in another person’s life. Make a habit of pointing out growth you see in others, and celebrate God’s grace. Be a good church family.

5. God is using trial and temptation to grow us.

Just because growth is hard doesn’t mean that it isn’t happening. Trial and temptation is often a sign of God’s work in our circumstances to draw us away from the fleeting promises of sin into the sweeter promises of grace. Allow trial and temptation to push you closer to God, not away from him. Difficult things often indicate God’s presence, not his absence. He disciplines those whom he loves.

Good Advice vs. Good News

When I was just a kid, my parents had purchased some property out in the country from where we lived.  We all had dreams as to what life would be like on these overgrown acres of flowing fields...  all of my siblings and my dad.  My mom on the other hand had nightmares about it.

Regardless, we never ended up moving there.  The property was sold at a later date.

Although while we did own it, my dad had some pretty good plans in his head about what to do with it.  Across the back of it ran a creek with overgrown, wild blackberry's.  I guess the word "overgrown" would be an understatement.  We knew that there was a creek because we could hear the water moving through it, but we couldn't see it because of the overgrowth.  My dad's vision was to clear a path from one side of the overgrowth to the other.  This would be done with a machete and clippers and rakes and saws... well, you get the picture.

On one Saturday, he and I went out there to accomplish this task.  

Did I mention that I was seven years old at the time?  

He told me walk around the neighbors property to get to the other side and then we would start cutting the overgrowth, slowly working ourselves closer to the creek, to each other.

Needless to say, I was not doing my part.  I couldn't.  The blackberry bushes were not bushes - they were trees.  I couldn't manage to cut anything down.  Nothing.

My dad, ambitious as he was, was plugging along and doing great.  Cutting through those blackberry's as if they were spiders webs.  Periodically he would try to show me how to cut them down, but it was no use.  I couldn't do it.  I didn't have the strength.  I was only seven years old.  He did it all for me.

Now he could have given me great advice; 

"John, this is how you cut through this.  Use your forearm strength.  Swing harder.  Make sure the blade is in this direction." 

But the truth is, is that any amount of advice would not have gotten me any closer to the creek.

I needed good news. 

I need him to do it.

Friends, this is how it is with our walk with Christ.  

Good advice would say, "Be holy.  Do not sin.  Worship God alone."

Good news says, "Christ has fulfilled the law for you."

There is a difference between good advice and good news. The first can lead to death, the later to eternal LIFE.

Romans 8:3-4

 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.  By sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

I AM Is Committed to You

The electronics company, Toshiba, put a statement out recently on it's commitment to social responsibility.  It says

"We believe our Group slogan "Committed to People, Committed to the Future" is an integral part of our corporate ethos & we have designated corporate social responsibility as one of our company initiatives."

Truth be told, Toshiba can't really make a claim to be committed to people, because

1st) they have laid people off.  They aren't committed to their former employees.

2nd) they can't possibly be committed to ALL people ALL over the earth.  That's just impossible.

Now before I get too far, this is NOT a bash Toshiba segment on my blog.  In all honesty, I can only assume that Toshiba is a great company to work for... but their commitment to people can only fall short.

Such is all of our stories. 

The command is there to be committed.

To Christ.

To our spouse.

To our kids.

To our church.

...but we fall short...

In the last few days the following verses have been a comfort to me personally.

Romans 8:35-39

    "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.'

    No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

And here lies the twist.  In all of the areas that we fall short - in our commitments... Christ stands committed.

He is committed to
Us.
Me.
You.

This is a promise that cannot be broken.  His Word is sure and true and right and it cannot be repealed. 

Dear friend, when your world seems to be falling apart, remember that Christ is committed to you.

Everything Falls - Fee

you said
you'd never leave or forsake me
when you said,
this life is gonna shake me
you said
this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
this i know

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
i find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

when i see
the darkness all around me
when i see
that tragedy has found me
i still believe
your faithful arms will never let me go
and still i know

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
your the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
i find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

sorrow will last for the night
but hope is rising with the sun
(its rising with the sun)
there will be storms in this life
but i know you will overcome
but i know you will overcome

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
your the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
i find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
your the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
i find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on
-Steve Fee

Naked and Unashamed

John8 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 Early in the morning He came again to the temple. All the people came to Him, and He sat down and taught them.  

3 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst 4 they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. 5 Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do You say?” 

 6 This they said to test Him, that they might have some charge to bring against Him. Jesus bent down and wrote with His finger on the ground. 7 And as they continued to ask Him, He stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 And once more He bent down and wrote on the ground. 9 But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before Him.  

10 Jesus stood up and said to her,
“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”  
11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said,  
“Neither 
do 
I 
condemn 
you; 
go, 
and 
from 
now 
on 
sin 
no 
more.”

The tables were turned.
She was no longer the one naked.
All of her accusers were exposed.  Holding onto their sin.  The call was to repent and they refused.  The call was to bow before the One who fulfilled the law of sin and death.