Remember to Play With Your Kids

After five years and 300 interviews, Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, has found that children of parents who are continually online via smartphones, computers or multimedia devices often express feelings of "hurt, jealousy and competition." Turkle says, "Over and over, kids raised the same three examples of feeling hurt and not wanting to show it when their mom or dad would be on their devices instead of paying attention to them: at meals, during pickup after either school or an extracurricular activity, and during sports events." 
 
[nytimes.com, 6/9/10]

 

It's Father's Day

Why Don't We Just Dance - Josh Turner

Mary and I love this song and this video.
We love to dance in our kitchen with our kids around us.

Josh does a great job with this song. Enjoy the video, kick off your shoes and start dancing with your wife.

The Routine of a Father

I guess some of us like schedules and some of us don't.  It really depends on our personality, right?

Some of us, if given the choice could sleep in to 10AM or later every day.  
Some of us couldn't think of sleeping past 6 o'clock.
Some of us have no problem letting our lawns grow a foot before we cut them.
Some of us couldn't imagine having anything but a "golf course" for our back yard.


Choices.
Regular choices.
It's those choices that weave us through each day from start to finish.  When I was a child, I chose things that were young.  Now that I am older, I am hopefully making wiser choices.


Being married and having kids, I have had to learn to make wise choices.  Not just for myself, but for my family as well.  I have not just had to make those choices, but I had to choose to put myself into a routine of making right choices.


For my family, those choices look something like this:

1. Wake up early.
2. Talk with Mary.  Now this is a conditional one.  Sometimes Mary wants to talk and sometimes she doesn't.  I want her to have her time to wake up.  She doesn't need me telling her what to do at 5:45 in the AM.
3. Exercise.  This too is conditional.  There was a period in my life that I couldn't exercise.  Not because I was lazy, but because there were other priorities that needed to take place.  I must confess though, that for a long time, I did exercise and leave Mary to do so much work alone.  I was completely selfish during that time.  So look at your time to work out only if you have the time for it.
4. Personal quiet time.  Not in some book, but in THE BOOK.  The enemy hates us.  Hates me.  Hates you.  Hates all of our relationships.  Hates our marriages.  Hates our children.  He has three goals in mind - to kill, steal and destroy.  The only way to withstand the fiery arrows of the devil is to be in the Bible.  David said, "Your Word have I hid in my heart that I may not sin against You."  I take that as saying that to keep from sinning, I must be in the Word.  
5. Get myself ready for the day.
6. Breakfast with the family.
7. Devotions with the family.  Take the time for this.  We have the ability to set the tone for the whole day with this action.  It doesn't take much time, but you just have to do it.  Your wife will be reminded of what is important.  Your kids will be reminded of what's important to you as well.
8. Work.  While at work take time to pray.  Short prayers are still prayers.
9. Home from work, lovingly set the leadership role in your home.  Take the time to listen.  See what needs to be done and who needs to be served.  Don't just become a kid again and start rolling on the floor waiting for dinner to be served.  Take the time to listen to your wife.  She, more than likely, needs to talk to another adult.  So just shut up and listen to her.  She will love you for it.  Keep in mind that you are not your wife's "helper" you are the leader of your home.
10. Dinner.  Converse with your family.  Ask them questions about their day.  Enjoy each other.  Eat. Laugh. Love.
11. Devotions the family.  This is how we do it in our family.  For breakfast and dinner.  Again, it helps to remind the whole family what is truly important. 
12. Clean up.  Men - that's our job.  Let your wife have a break.  She has been "cleaning up" all day.  She will be grateful.
13. Play and interact with the kids.  They will think you are amazing!
14. Put the kids to bed.  Men - again our job.  Spend some more time thinking about the Lord or singing worship songs with your kids.  They will now what is in your heart.
15. Love your wife well.  Serve her by making sure that all the responsible things are taking care of.  Laundry, bills, groceries, house maintenance (honey-do-list)...

Now this is how it's done in our home, and your home may look completely different.   That is OK.  As the head of the household, I had to realize that I needed to get into a routine as a husband, as a father, as a leader.  If I didn't, what would be the alternative?

Have you figured out your routine?  If so, what is it?  I would love to see how you manage your family and your day.

Thoughts on Fathers Day

So this Sunday is Father's Day.  Just so everyone knows, I am all for celebrating fathers on Father's Day, but I have an idea.

Men, what if on this Father's Day we turned it around.  Instead of making it all about us, we made it all about them?

This Sunday, do something radical - surprise your family!

How I Pastor My Family - Justin Hyde

I saw this article on leading a family well.  Thought it was worth sharing.

-John 

Justin Hyde

Acts 29 Pastor - Brenham, Texas
Many people ask me, "What do 'family devotions' look like at your house?" or, "How do you pastor your family?" or even more simply, "Do you pray or read the Bible with your wife and children?" Here is one attempt to answer those questions.

1. Routine

 

Our family works best with a routine. My wife and I, and our children, have a reasonably regular weekly schedule. Our "family devotions" fit into the larger rhythm and routines of our household (e.g. dinner, bedtime, etc.). Additionally, it is important to note that there are explicit and implicit aspects to our daily spiritual devotion. The bulk of the explicit aspects happen at night between when I get home from work and when I go to bed.

2. Intentional Evenings

 

I get home from work between 5:30PM and 5:45PM each night. But I have to prepare myself before 5:30PM so that I can hit the ground running when I walk in the door. Though I am invariably tired from my day's work, I have to remind myself that the most important part of my vocation happens after 5:30PM, not before. I am tempted to mentally "clock out" on my drive home, which would be easy. Yet I have to consciously prepare myself to give more energy, more attention, and more dedicated focus as soon as I walk through the door and am greeted by my 5 year old son, 3 year old daughter, newborn son, and wife than I have all day. This takes prayer, practice, and intentionality. It's easy to fail.
Husbands/dads, don't clock-out on your way home; be ready to be present and engaged; don't let your kids or wife expect to hear your formulaic: "I'm tired;" turn your phone off (I recently read something like this: "If you touched your wife as much as you touch your iPhone your marriage would be in a much better spot."); cancel your cable TV; repent of your addiction to new projects, hobbies, and distractions.
Wives, be gracious; be forgiving; learn and grow with your husband; make your home inviting and pleasing; manage the stress level (for you and the kids) before dad gets home (i.e. don't let the water boil all day so that it's boiling over the top right when dad's car pulls up).

3. Time To Play

 

We eat dinner at 6:00PM. So I walk in the door and devote myself to the kids for 20-30 minutes. Rarely do I take 5 steps into the house before having a 5 year old around my left leg and a 3 year old around my right leg (and now, often, a baby in my arms). Dads, your kids are ready to see you. Ready to punch you. Ready to kiss you. Ready to play. Ready to build. Ready to read. And of course your wife needs this from you too if she's making dinner or just needing a break after her long day. Husbands, remind yourself daily that your wife is likely more exhausted than you are by 5:30PM. Serve her well. This is also a good time to teach the kids about setting the table, helping to pick up the living room, honoring mom, serving a younger sibling, etc. But mainly this is a good time to play.

4. Mealtime

 

We always eat dinner together around the dinner table. My wife is hospitable, creative, thoughtful, carefree, and eager to worship through a shared meal. Our table is often decorated with candles, and sometimes flowers. We drink wine. We celebrate. We laugh. We joke. We make silly faces. We eat great food. We often, almost without fail, enjoy a dessert. We hold hands to pray. We take our time. Our children are watching and learning and savoring all of this.

5. Cleanup

 

After dinner we usually clean up (sometimes we wait until the kids are asleep). The children help with dishes, help put things away, help clean up. It doesn't take long and the payoff in relaxation and focus is often worth the price of clearing the table and loading the dishwasher. Yet regardless of whether we clean up now or later, our attention is devoted to the children from 5:30PM to 7:30PM. After dinner, we play. We read. We build towers. We go on adventures. We explore. We tickle.

6. Bible Time

 

At 7:15PM we all start winding down and I tell the kids: "15 more minutes of ____, and then it's 7:30PM." My kids know exactly what I mean. At 7:30PM it's Bible time. We all gather in the living room (if we're not there already); we get the Bible; and the kids pile on my lap. For the longest time we read the ESV Illustrated Family Bible. This Bible uses the actual ESV text but the stories are selective and the images are great and colorful.

Recently, we began using The Early Readers Bible only because Jonas received it as a Christmas gift. This is a great Bible too, but it's not the actual ESV text, which I prefer. It's a Bible written for young readers. Our 5 year old can blast through this easily, and sometimes I'll let him read during our devotional time, though rarely. At this stage I think it's important for me to lead this time and shepherd them as I read aloud. The great thing about The Early Readers Bible is the questions after each section. Very helpful.

Dads, it's important for you to call the family together. Don't force mom to keep looking at her watch, to always be waiting for you, to nag you to get started. Call the family together. Get the Bible. Know where/what you're reading. Lead your family. Wives, this may be new or unfamiliar for many dads. Go easy on him. Encourage him. Honor his leadership. Don't undermine. Don't criticize. Model respect and love for your children to see. And remember, the kids are watching.

7. Questions & Answers

 

After we read a section of Scripture I ask questions. I ask questions about the story, about the characters, about the doctrines or themes within the story, about applying the text to the real life of 5- and 3-year-olds. In addition to asking questions about the text itself, our children also memorize the Small Children's Catechism by Chris Schlect. I cannot overstate the importance of catechism in the home. Someone has said, "Preaching without catechism is like building a house without pouring a foundation." So true. Other helpful resources are The Big Book of Questions and Answers (Sinclair Ferguson), My 1st Book of Questions and Answers (Carine Mackenzie), and Big Truths for Young Hearts (Bruce Ware).

8. Family Prayer

 

Then we all pray. We take prayer requests (this is important because the kids need to see dad asking mom how he can pray for her). And each of us pray. Sometimes I ask the kids to pray for certain things. Sometimes I ask the older to pray for the younger. Sometimes they want to say the Lord's Prayer (which means you need to help them memorize it when they're two or three). Sometime it's random.
Moms and dads, you need to guard this time so that the children don't grow to despise it. This needs to be an encouraging, graceful, loving, fun, sometimes silly, patient, and fruitful time. Be honest with one another. Teach your kids how to care, how to be sensitive to others' needs, how to articulate what they're feeling. Make disciples.

9. Bedtime

 

Now it's bedtime. Love those kids. Hug and kiss and tickle and snuggle like crazy.

10. Explicit vs. Implicit

 

Most of the above routine is explicit training and devotion. Yet each of those elements fit into the larger mosaic of what it means to be a part of our family. These explicit elements would only go so far (but not far enough) if not paired with the implicit aspects of the daily spiritual development that are more subtle and mundane.
The implicit aspects are the constant opportunities to listen to your kids, to talk to them, to tell them about Jesus, to tell them about something you read in Scripture, something you've wondered about God, to connect the dots between dinner and worship, to live a life of celebration and sacrifice.

The legitimacy of your "devotion time" is only as solid as the legitimacy of your devotional life. In other words, I reap the rich spiritual benefits at 7:30PM each night because I tilled the soil that morning, during the day, at dinner, and so on. Quality time doesn't replace quantity. In fact, you can only enjoy the quality because you've invested in the quantity. The implicit is the foundation that sustains the rest, only most people don't see the foundation so it's easy to ignore.

Please know, I fail often. I need much grace. God has given me a forgiving wife and patient kids. Husbands/dads, this is the most important work you'll ever do, and it will have more impact than anything you could imagine. Wives/moms, encourage your man to lead; create conditions in which he can succeed. Couples, be patient and forgiving. Don't be short-sighted. Love well. And savor your time together.

May God help us pastor our families well.

Fear or Joy

When I was young, our family would often take trips from Oregon to Michigan to be with our extended family.  This, of course, was a blast.  We were able to participate in so many things that we normally didn't or wouldn't back in Oregon.

One of those "things" I remember vividly.  It was a trip to a lake with my aunt and uncle and their kids.  The adults decided to make a day out of it, so we brought along a lunch and a bunch of snacks.  Swimsuits, water toys and my uncle's boat.  This was going to be a great day!

After a while of being there, we all decided that it would be fun to go around the lake taking turns on the toboggan.  So we all got in the boat and one by one, everyone started taking their turns. 

Then... it was my turn...

As a nine or ten year old who hadn't experienced much of inland lakes, I was a bit timid terrified.  I couldn't see through the water.  I couldn't see the bottom.  Would the fish in the lake touch me...  I was getting freaked.  I was not going to be riding the toboggan. 

I WAS SCARED TO DEATH.

My uncle, on the other hand known better.  He picked me up and threw me in the water.  I went kicking and screaming.  He then jumped in after me, grabbed me and forced me to get on the toboggan with him.  I was yelling over and over again that I didn't want to go.

He kept telling me that I was going to be fine.  That there was nothing to be afraid of.

The boat started out.
The rope got tight.
We raised up out of the water.
We took off.

Once we were around the small lake once, I asked him if we could go around the lake a second time.

My fear turned to joy.

Sometimes, that's a little what it's like in following Christ. 
Often times, we have no idea where He is taking us. 
What He are doing. 
How far we will go. 
Why we are here...
and we look down at our feet and start to fear.

There is where I am.  Between the fear and the joy.  Perhaps this is where I will be until glory.  To be honest, I have to say that in every time that I have gone into the unknown with Christ, I have never been disappointed.

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”
He said, “Come.”
So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.”
Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
(Matthew 14:28-33 ESV)

  I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
(3 John 1:4 ESV)

Change = Pain / Pain = Change

None of us really changes until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain that will come with some change in our lives. We don’t change when we see the light, we change when we feel the heat. (Mike Pollard)

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. (The Apostle Paul in his book Romans)

Memory, It's Not Just a Game

Ok, for years I have felt convicted to memorize Scripture.  Well, not just memorize it, but to have it abide in me.  Rooted.  Deep down.  To have it in a place that I can bring it up to fight against the devil.

Now, I do know some Scripture, but most of the time, I can't remember where it's found.  So, I needed to find a solution.  I needed to find a way to get the Word in my head AND my heart.  With that in mind, I also knew that I have very little problems memorizing songs.  Aha - (light bulb moment here) I thought that there has to be a way to put these two things together.

I do realize that this may not be for everyone, but it may get your creative juices going on how you and perhaps your family can memorize Scripture.  So I go jogging five mornings a week.  I take with me an MP3 player with only one song it.  Our family has some CDs from the fine folks of Seeds Family Worship (which are great, by the way) and each one of those CDs contains 10 or so songs that are nothing but Scripture. 

So my plan this week was to take one song ("The Word of the Lord" from their record, Seeds of Faith) and memorize it.

1 Peter 1:24-25 - "All men are like grass and their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers, and the flowers fall, but the Word of the Lord stands forever."

You know what?  It's working!  I am really excited about this!
That's it.  Next Monday, I will add a verse/song to the mix and start again.

What about you?  What tools do you use to memorize Scripture?

Treasure Christ