The Routine of a Father

I guess some of us like schedules and some of us don't.  It really depends on our personality, right?

Some of us, if given the choice could sleep in to 10AM or later every day.  
Some of us couldn't think of sleeping past 6 o'clock.
Some of us have no problem letting our lawns grow a foot before we cut them.
Some of us couldn't imagine having anything but a "golf course" for our back yard.


Choices.
Regular choices.
It's those choices that weave us through each day from start to finish.  When I was a child, I chose things that were young.  Now that I am older, I am hopefully making wiser choices.


Being married and having kids, I have had to learn to make wise choices.  Not just for myself, but for my family as well.  I have not just had to make those choices, but I had to choose to put myself into a routine of making right choices.


For my family, those choices look something like this:

1. Wake up early.
2. Talk with Mary.  Now this is a conditional one.  Sometimes Mary wants to talk and sometimes she doesn't.  I want her to have her time to wake up.  She doesn't need me telling her what to do at 5:45 in the AM.
3. Exercise.  This too is conditional.  There was a period in my life that I couldn't exercise.  Not because I was lazy, but because there were other priorities that needed to take place.  I must confess though, that for a long time, I did exercise and leave Mary to do so much work alone.  I was completely selfish during that time.  So look at your time to work out only if you have the time for it.
4. Personal quiet time.  Not in some book, but in THE BOOK.  The enemy hates us.  Hates me.  Hates you.  Hates all of our relationships.  Hates our marriages.  Hates our children.  He has three goals in mind - to kill, steal and destroy.  The only way to withstand the fiery arrows of the devil is to be in the Bible.  David said, "Your Word have I hid in my heart that I may not sin against You."  I take that as saying that to keep from sinning, I must be in the Word.  
5. Get myself ready for the day.
6. Breakfast with the family.
7. Devotions with the family.  Take the time for this.  We have the ability to set the tone for the whole day with this action.  It doesn't take much time, but you just have to do it.  Your wife will be reminded of what is important.  Your kids will be reminded of what's important to you as well.
8. Work.  While at work take time to pray.  Short prayers are still prayers.
9. Home from work, lovingly set the leadership role in your home.  Take the time to listen.  See what needs to be done and who needs to be served.  Don't just become a kid again and start rolling on the floor waiting for dinner to be served.  Take the time to listen to your wife.  She, more than likely, needs to talk to another adult.  So just shut up and listen to her.  She will love you for it.  Keep in mind that you are not your wife's "helper" you are the leader of your home.
10. Dinner.  Converse with your family.  Ask them questions about their day.  Enjoy each other.  Eat. Laugh. Love.
11. Devotions the family.  This is how we do it in our family.  For breakfast and dinner.  Again, it helps to remind the whole family what is truly important. 
12. Clean up.  Men - that's our job.  Let your wife have a break.  She has been "cleaning up" all day.  She will be grateful.
13. Play and interact with the kids.  They will think you are amazing!
14. Put the kids to bed.  Men - again our job.  Spend some more time thinking about the Lord or singing worship songs with your kids.  They will now what is in your heart.
15. Love your wife well.  Serve her by making sure that all the responsible things are taking care of.  Laundry, bills, groceries, house maintenance (honey-do-list)...

Now this is how it's done in our home, and your home may look completely different.   That is OK.  As the head of the household, I had to realize that I needed to get into a routine as a husband, as a father, as a leader.  If I didn't, what would be the alternative?

Have you figured out your routine?  If so, what is it?  I would love to see how you manage your family and your day.

The Talent of Doublespeaking

I am so talented.

I have the ability to talk out of both sides of my mouth.

Can you do that too?

As I look within my heart to identify this problem, I am noticing a trend.  I don't really do it out in the general, meaning I feel free to be honest and truthful over "public" issues or items.  The problem is much deeper than that.

I am finding that I doublespeak to and about those closest to me...

my kids

my wife

my Savior

In doing so I make a mockery of both them and myself.  

So on this day, I am thankful for the grace of Christ that covers both the praise and the profane.

The Practice of Marriage

The other day a friend of mine asked if I could share a bit of a testimony regarding my wife and I's marriage.  At some point, that task can be daunting, because there is no way to recall everything that has got us to this point.  Needless to say, here are some things that have come to mind.

Through the early years of our marriage, I can recall some pretty tough days/weeks between Mary and I.  For the longest time, I thought that it was my Godly duty to change Mary.  To make her more like the woman that should be mine, that would "complete me."  I had come to a place in my heart that the only way to change Mary, was to change myself first.  Years ago, while still living in Michigan, I would be in our basement lifting weights while Mary was upstairs, making bottles, cleaning the house, changing diapers, doing laundry, making sure the bills were all paid, etc... and I was just thinking of myself.  She would get so mad at me, she would blow up in a huge way (as if it was WW III). Sometimes she would even threaten to leave me.

It wasn't good.  Obviously, it wasn't good.  Something had to change.

I have learned now, that it was my deal. That I am called to be the leader of my home, the 'servant leader' or 'lead server.'  The problem wasn't that I was lifting weights, it was the fact that I wasn't serving nor was I listening.  I was only taking care of me.  At the core of who I was, was a selfish being.  Devoted to my pride, my ideals, my look - I wanted it picture perfect so that I could look good.  In truth, I loved all this other stuff more than I loved her.

There are times even know that I will slip into that line of thinking, and Mary will feel like she has become second best.  Then I "wake up" and remember my roll.  My responsibility.  So I now take time to listen to her heart.  I need to take time to listen to all the tasks that are on her shoulders and what her thoughts are behind her eyes.  I used to try to give her answers and solutions; but now I know she needs a friend; a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.  Mary wants me to take care of her. 

So what does that look like now?  I wake up each day choosing to serve and listen and guide.  I know what makes the house run well so I get to work to make that happen... first, by doing my devotions and listening to Mary if she needs to talk or giving her space if she wants to be alone before the kids wake up.  Sometimes I empty the dishwasher, I'll take the time to straighten up the living room, get myself ready, make our bed, do devos with the kids. If I sense she is frustrated I ask if there's anything in particular I can do and sometimes she'll even get snippy with me, but I just smile and let it go and do what she says if she needs something done.  Sometimes, she just asks me to get out of her face, and that's ok.  I know that she doesn't just "wake up" like I do.  She needs space. 

One thing that God really convicted me of is to not responding in a negative way when she would talk down to me or yell an order at me.  I started either choosing not to start an argument when she was trying to and I would choose to not respond if she made a negative comment.  It changed the tone in our home and slowly she softened.  She says that by my actions she changed and slowly respected me more and more and now appreciates my leadership and will ask my advice and will honor what I say.  We both have grown so much, by God's grace.

In the evenings I come home from work and and I have to lead again.  So I gather everyone to the table for dinner, doing devos again, cleaning up dinner, asking Mary if there's anything she needs me to do.  I am learning to constantly look for things to do and taking time with the kids to ask them about their day and sometimes play games with them.  Then I make sure I honor Mary by getting the kids to bed on time and do it myself so she doesn't have to. Why?  Because Mary is so worth it!

She is the biggest and best prize I could ever win.  I don't make the bed or vacuum the stairs and then tell her that I did those things.  Absolutely not, the biggest joy of my life is to know that Mary doesn't 'have' to do those things.  I am learning to love her and treasure her in a way that I haven't in years.  She is not just my wife, but she is also my best friend.  I would do anything for her.  The more I serve her the more I love her and the more I server her, the more she loves, trusts and honors me back.  It's amazing.  It's like I found the 'secret' in marriage!

All that to say, that I changed.  I was the one who took the initiative to make the first move.  God convicted me to serve my family as Christ served the church and gave Himself up for it.  Then you know what happened?  After I started changing, she did as well.  Little by little, our Father started chipping away at our stubborn hearts and He is molding them into something different.  I know this because of both where we have come from and because of what He is currently doing in us.  This is His promise.  I also try to make efforts to tell Mary she's beautiful and to give her cards and to smile at her as often as I can. 

Eph 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

God is continuing to change me and Mary both.  Our marriage is far from perfect, but He continues to mold us and shape us into something that reflects His grace - because we need a lot of it!

Men Want Spiritual Help With...

Found this on the Family Builders Inc website:

Men Want Spiritual Help:

1. With their marriages—the number one request on men’s surveys.
2. Battling sexual temptation—the temptation men struggle with most.
3. Getting control of their anger and becoming more patient.
4. Managing their personal/spiritual lives, sticking to the right priorities and spiritual disciplines.
5. Investing their lives, not just for success, but for significance.
6. Being the spiritual leader in their homes and effectively training their kids.
7. Seeing their job as a calling from God and finding encouragement and motivation for the daily grind.
8. Knowing how to reach out effectively to their lost friends and work associates and take a stand for Biblical truth in the culture.
9. Finding a brother for encouragement, strength, and accountability.
10. Knowing how to satisfy their hearts more by delighting in God.

The Root Need:

True discipleship is not behavior modification; it is heart transformation. It is not piling more discipleship tasks on the tired backs of men; it is leading them to the feet of Christ, in whose presence the inner desires and motivations of his heart are changed. The root need of every man is the gospel of grace deeply taking root in his soul.

Many men today are tired of the constant demands upon them to perform. They can’t provide for their family as they want to without working long hours. Instead of his home being the place where he feels appreciated and refreshed—it is full of exhausting demands to perform more. In many ways he feels better suited to performing at work. He finds it very difficult to figure out what his wife wants and what his children need. He is supposed to tell his wife how he feels, but if he does, it often ends up hurting her or leading to a fight. He righteously fights to keep his sexual appetite directed towards his wife, but is often ridiculed about the way God has hard-wired him—“All you ever want is one thing.” He is challenged at church to work hard at meeting his wife’s needs but wonders why she is rarely challenged to love him the way he wants to be loved.

He is supposed to suck it up, rub it out, and keep performing. He carries a 100 lb pack on his back called his responsibilities. Some Christian men are so weary of the pressure to perform that they one day just chuck it all, and run off with another woman or resort back to their drug days. Others look for escape in the secret pleasure of viewing Internet porn, gambling, or having a secret affair.

The answer to the constant pressure to perform and the feeling of not being valued can only be fully met by the gospel of grace. Basking in God’s unconditional love, letting our failures drive us to our savior, is the only way the soul of a man can be refreshed, his strength renewed, and his heart re-energized to follow his calling. The bigger the demands upon us, the more we need to shun the myth that men should be self-reliant and let that pressure drive us to Christ for help. In his presence, we see that some of the pressure comes from our idols of success, respect, pleasure. In his presence we realize that God specializes in impossible situations and our faith is renewed. When we do fail, we remember that the greater our sin—the greater is the love of our savior in forgiving us.

Only the gospel of grace can transform the heart of a man—and that is the ultimate goal of discipleship.

Jesus Gave Up Everything For His Bride.

Here is a familiar story…

I just wanted to be heard.  Is that really too much to ask?  For once in my life, I just wanted to have to share what I have been through and all of my junk… and she wanted nothing to do with it.

It’s not too much to ask for, is it?  What about all my problems?

My bad day…

Job going bad…

Friends being weird…

This is not what I planned for…

My past…

Oh sure, I HAD to listen to her, but why wouldn’t she listen to me?

Classic story, right men?  Often times it seems as if we have to listen, a lot, and our wives, not so much.

Here is the truth, our marriages are supposed to reflect the relationship that Jesus has with his bride.  Some would even say that they DO reflect it.  Now I know, I know – how can we truly reflect something that is impossible to reach?  After all, we are not Jesus.  We are not perfect.  We can’t truly love and cherish our wives like He does the church.

That command is not an excuse.  Nor a crutch.  We are not exempt from attempting at what the gospel declares. 

Picture this:  Jesus came to court his bride and did so by washing her with His Word.

He gave up His glory for us.

He had to remove His crown for us.

He couldn’t talk to His Father face to face.

He didn’t have the fellowship of the Trinity.

He was not in Heaven.

He was living among sin.

He was being tempted to sin.  Continually.

He was not being worshiped like He should.

He had the pressure of the world on Him.

He knew the physical pain that His life was leading to.

He knew the emotional pain that His life was leading to.

He knew the spiritual pain that His life was leading to.

And not once did he complain to His bride.

In fact, he did the opposite. 

John 13:4-10 “He laid aside His outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around His waist. Then He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around Him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” Peter said to Him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” Simon Peter said to Him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean…”

I know that our first thought is to share our _________ (fill in the blank here) with our wives and tell them how hard our life is, but what our wives really need is for us to just wash their feet.

That’s all, just wash their feet.

For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross (Col. 1:19–20).

My Wife and I Argued And Neither of Us Won

I am not sure what happened or even how it happened, but it did.  The Saturday was like most other Saturdays – sleep in a bit, extended breakfast with the kids, some Saturday morning TV… Then *break* let’s get the day going.  Let’s clean up and start to work.  In the afternoon we can play.

Our Saturdays are typically like that.  We work a bit and try to play a bunch.

Some where in there, is usually a “honey-do-list.”  You know what those are.  The list of jobs hat our wives draw up for us men to tackle on each weekend.  Mine is typically not that hard – mainly because I don’t know how to do much stuff and I think Mary would prefer that I don’t wreck anything.  Often times, either on Friday night or early Saturday morning, I will add a few items that I would like to get done as well.  Sure, it makes the list a little longer, but it’s never overwhelming.

This Saturday was different though.  She had a list, as usual.  I had a list, as usual, except I didn’t share everything on my list with her.  My first thought was that “This won’t be a big deal.  She has some stuff to do outside the home and I can get my personal list done without her catching on.”  Well, like a typical Saturday it didn’t go as well as I planned.

Mary left to run her errand.  I put a few kids in charge of landscaping (yes, I did just type landscaping) our hedge area in the front of our house.  Then I left to do manly stuff… actually it was my stuff.  I justified it by taking some of my kids with me.  “See honey, I was spending quality time with our children.”  If I make her feel guilty enough, I will look good.

The problem was not that I was doing my thing, on my own.  I do stuff like that all the time.  I am not a toddler and I don’t need my wife “controlling” my every move.  I go to work on my own and I don’t have my wife help me, etc.  You get the idea here.  The problem was that I did not consider at any moment that the two of us were one.  It started in my mind.  She had her list and I had mine.  Jesus said in Mark 10:8 in teaching about marriage, “The two shall become one flesh.”  Paul furthers that in Eph 5:31, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  That is where all of this was going wrong.

There was her agenda (which she thought was ours) and then there was my agenda.  How wrong I was.

It ended up blowing into World War III. 

I had to repent.  I had to step forward and say that I was sorry.  I was in the wrong.  Jesus has never done this to His bride.  He came to serve His bride.  Was I serving mine by treating her this way?  Not at all.  I was selfishly thinking of myself.  Paul continues to Eph 5:33, “Let each one of you love his wife as himself.”  That concept was the furthest thing from me.

But then…  The grace of God came.  He is changing me.  He is changing us.  H is changing  me to see the joy of what marriage is all about.  That, honestly, when I am serving my wife, I am the happiest.  That sanctification is a process.  He who started a good work in us if faithful to bring it to completion.   

So, I didn't win here. 

In truth Mary didn't win either.

Christ did.  The Faithful One.  The cord that ties our marriage together.

I Am Committed

A love song.

Usually when we hear love songs on the radio (or the Disney channel), they are either one of two things:  mushy or depressing.  Why is that? 

The reason why, is because the "world" does not know how to celebrate great love.  Love that lasts forever.  Love that is committed.

In the Word, we certainly see the standard set.  Christ died for His holy bride.  In Eph. 5, Paul writes,
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body,

Here is a video from Sho Baraka, were he attempts to showcase the very thing.  Watch it, I hope you will be encouraged.



Men, let's rise up and commit ourselves to purity, righteousness, truth, love.  It's so worth it.  
For our kids.  
For our wives.  
For the Gospel.  
For the glory of Christ.

Questions to Ask Yourself/Self Evaluation

As we go through life, some of us will do self-evaluation exercises with ease. Others of us would prefer to dig deep. The following is a list of questions that we should periodically be asking ourselves. How about now? Take the time to go through the list, you may hit on something that needs a little spiritual work.

Husbands and Wives:

• Did you love your spouse by putting love for Christ in front of the love for them?
• Did you pray for your spouse?

Singles:

• Did you support the married families in the church?
• Did you provide positive discipleship to those younger than you?

Married:

• Did you show the singles a positive view of marriage?
• Did you provide positive discipleship to those younger than you?

Husbands:

• Did you display sold Christian leadership in the home?
• If your wife is an unbeliever, did you pray for her salvation?
• If your wife is a believer, did you pray for her to grow in her sanctification?
• Did you show love to your wife?
• Did you meet the emotional and physical needs of your wife, placing her above yourself?

Wives:

• Did you submit to your husbands spiritual leadership?
• If your husband is an unbeliever, did you pray for his salvation?
• If your husband is a believer, did you pray for him to grow in his sanctification?
• Did you show respect to your husband, encouraging him, meeting his emotional and physical needs and placing his needs above yours?

Singles:

• Did you pray about whether you are called to marry?
• Did you pray for your future spouse?
• Did you find full sufficiency in Jesus alone?
• Have you been selfless in your relationships with your closest friends?

Parents:

• Did you demonstrate the love of Christ and His grace to your children?
• Did you spend time this week teaching your children about the greatness of Jesus?
• Was your life a confirmation of the Gospel for your children this week?

Children:

• Were you obedient to your parents this week?
• Did you attempt to live at peace with your siblings?

All:

• Did you spend regular time in prayer this week?
• Did you spend regular time in the Bible this week?
• Did you do your best to make Christ your treasure this week?
• Did you, at any point, allow something besides Christ to be your treasure this week? What was that thing? How will you (or did you) deal with this?
• What ministry are you serving in this week? At church?
• Did you share Christ with anyone this week?
• Who are you actively attempting to share Christ with?
• Who are some friends you are praying that will meet Christ?
• Did you give undue emphasis to money this week (spending recklessly, worrying constantly, being stingy)?
• Were you sexually pure this week? Did you guard your heart, mind and eyes?
• Did you attend church this week?
• Did you seek to connect with others in the body this week?
• Did you support the church with time and/or money this week?
• Did you seek out friendship and fellowship with church members this week?
• Are you letting other members of the body of Christ speak into your life?
• Have you confessed your sin to the Lord?
• Were you dependable?

I Am His - Thomas Brooks

“I am His by purchase and I am His by conquest; I am His by donation and I am His by election; I am His by covenant and I am His by marriage; I am wholly His; I am peculiarly His; I am universally His; I am eternally His.

Once I was a slave but now I am a son; once I was dead but now I am alive; once I was darkness but now I am light in the Lord; once I was a child of wrath, an heir of hell, but now I am an heir of heaven; once I was Satan’s bond-servant but now I am God’s freeman; once I was under the spirit of bondage but now I am under the Spirit of adoption that seals up to me the remission of my sins, the justification of my person and the salvation of my soul.”

- Thomas Brooks, Heaven on Earth